Deep Dark Secrets

"It's not easy letting go of someone you love. It's even harder when you know it's the right thing to do." ~ Unknown Author

I sit in church with my husband each Sunday morning with this deep dark secret. I listen to the sermons on forgiveness and loving everyone, and there I sit filled with guilt and confusion. I can't look the pastor in the eye because I know within me lies this destructive secret. I sink deeper into the pew. Can the pastor see the pain and agony that is enveloping my thoughts? 

The secret is what it is like to have lived an entire lifetime with an abusive family member who is toxic to my mental and physical being. Every time I forgive and try to move forward, I find myself in the same destructive pattern. So, how do I deal with the secret versus the Christian path I am asked to walk each day? The answer is complicated.

Often times, I find myself using this verbiage, "I haven't walked your walk, so I can only imagine how you feel." We all have our own walks, and honestly, I truly believe that relationships and hardships are so perplexing that no one can truly understand the heartache another experiences. However, God has provided us with empathy to try and understand the pain others feel. Empathy allows our emotions to visit places of the heart we may have never been or wish we will never go. It is really a unique emotion when you think about it. How amazing that God wants us to understand what others feel!

A few weeks ago,  I made a decision to sit up straight in church, and look the pastor in the eye. I hope my eyes now say, "Pastor, I have prayed and prayed over this situation. I have given my all, but I have had to hand this over to God because I can no longer handle the pain. I need to be physically and emotionally healthy, and I can no longer allow this person to destroy me. I have to let go. I can  forgive, but I can no longer set up the stage to be hurt again. Please forgive me for being unable to keep trying."

Carrying a secret is a heavy burden. The decision to let go of someone whom you love is never easy. So on those days when the pain is too much to handle, I find myself praying to God for this person who causes so much pain and asking God to help me deal with this painful decision I have had to make. Others may never understand, but God does, and I think that is what really matters. I find comfort in this verse from Matthew 11: 28, "Come to me, all you that are weary and are carrying heavy burdens, and I will give you rest."    

Heavenly Father,

You know our hearts and intentions. Please help us work through the secrets and burdens we carry. Help us to look others in the eye knowing we gave our best with Your guidance.

Amen