Can We Avoid Conflict? Should We?

"Peter, full of the Holy Spirit, let loose: “Rulers and leaders of the people, if we have been brought to trial today for helping a sick man, put under investigation regarding this healing, I’ll be completely frank with you—we have nothing to hide. By the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth, the One you killed on a cross, the One God raised from the dead, by means of his name this man stands before you healthy and whole. Jesus is ‘the stone you masons threw out, which is now the cornerstone.’ Salvation comes no other way; no other name has been or will be given to us by which we can be saved, only this one.” They couldn't take their eyes off them—Peter and John standing there so confident, so sure of themselves! Their fascination deepened when they realized these two were laymen with no training in Scripture or formal education. They recognized them as companions of Jesus, but with the man right before them, seeing him standing there so upright—so healed!—what could they say against that?"~Acts 4:8-12 MSG

Conflict is such an uncomfortable activity to participate in that most people will do anything to avoid it. They will smile and say something kind to avoid conflict, but at times down deep inside they may really feel this overwhelming urge to say something with a drawn disgusting look and maybe articulate some not so nice words. They think the thought, but usually don't talk the talk. Some people may begin stewing over the conflict, as they replay the situation over and over again with what they wished they would have or not have said. 

Growing up, learning about conflict was a lot like one of those great Western movies where everyone ends up in the dirt road that flows in front of the storefronts through the middle of town. I can picture it in my mind. Each person chose a side and fought for their position until only one side either won, or the enemy was eliminated by gunshot. Although that seems a bit dramatic, often conflict plays out the same way in our daily lives. It seems that those representing each side find a way to bully one side or the other until one either gives in or is eliminated from the situation. Compromise is the exception to conflict resolution, because in some ways working through conflict is an art in itself. 

So if working through conflict is an art, how do we take lessons to learn more about it? Not all of us are born with artistic genetics. (I still remember my high school art teacher being speechless as he examined some of my art projects. I guess those talents weren't included in my birth package.)The problem is that conflict arises in most all areas of our lives. So, how do we deal with it? A few years back I met a woman that has taught me a lot about how to deal with conflict, and I have found that facing it with the right mental tools and attitude can produce some of the most honest and caring conversations I have ever had. She asked me to take a leadership position in my job that would throw me into routine conflict. I will be honest in saying that before I met her, I was a complete failure in regards to learning the art of working through conflict. She told me not to fear it, but to welcome it as an opportunity to learn and grow. 

As a supervisor, I find conflict is unavoidable.  I've learned that facing it, face to face, in a caring, fair, and structured manner has changed me in many ways. I no longer fear someone not liking me, because I have finally come to understand that if I am fair and caring, and still not liked, I can't necessarily change that person's opinion of me. It hasn't been easy, and at times it's been absolutely exhausting, but it has brought me great peace that I know how to work through problems more effectively. 

Praying first is an amazing first step. Having the conversation with God first, gives guidance and provides healthy confidence. I've learned that confidence in myself and starting with the known facts is critical to a healthy outcome, but confidence outlined with arrogance and assumptions is never healthy. Not all conflicts work out the way I hope, but there is a remarkable calmness when I know I have stay focused on solving the problem rather than handling it in a way that haunts me with those, "What if I had or hadn't said?" type questions.

Peter and John in the scripture above found themselves in the midst of conflict. They had been thrown in jail for proclaiming Jesus had risen from the dead, and because of this miracle, through Jesus, a sick man was raised from the dead. In a way, there they stood in the Western movie with people from both sides wanting to see a shoot out. Peter and John stood with confidence and the facts they knew. They had been blessed with an amazing confidence that came from God. The rulers saw the crowd's reaction and were taken back by what they perceived as two uneducated men working through God. Peter and John were carrying out Jesus' work here on earth. Some might say a compromise was reached as the story played out. Peter and John were released and carried on their mission to proclaim the gospel to others. They had depended on God and didn't let their fear stop them from moving forward.

I don't think that conflict is ever an easy thing, but I believe it is a necessary part of our lives. As Christians, we want to seek peaceful ways to solve problems. However, it's important to remember that a peaceful resolution doesn't necessarily mean that we always avoid conflict. Handling conflict with the confidence that our Lord and Savior, will help us through it, gives us courage to speak the words of truth that sometimes need to be spoken. So, when conflict comes knocking in your life. Stop. Pray. Be confident. Be fair. Stick to the facts that you know. And finally as the story plays out, compromise when you feel the Holy Spirit nudge you to do so. In the end, there is a good chance you will find peace in the midst of conflict.

Father of Resolution,

As conflict enters our lives, we ask for guidance from your Holy Spirit within us. Help us to work through conflict in a way that reflects Your Love in our lives. Let the shadows of arrogance and assumption fade from the picture so that truth becomes more evident. As the truth becomes more clear, help lead us through resolution. 

Amen

Love Recklessly . . .

“Listen carefully: Unless a grain of wheat is buried in the ground, dead to the world, it is never any more than a grain of wheat. But if it is buried, it sprouts and reproduces itself many times over. In the same way, anyone who holds on to life just as it is destroys that life. But if you let it go, reckless in your love, you’ll have it forever, real and eternal."~John 12:24-25

I've been blessed to be married to a wonderful loving Christian husband for over 35 years. His sense of understanding the importance of following in Christ's footsteps are a daily reminder to me that a person who diligently tries to follow those footsteps is never alone in their endeavors.  When I come to him with worries and concerns, his eyes and advice often reflect the popular phrase, "What would Jesus do?" He has that affect on me. He helps me turn to Jesus in all circumstances.

In our conversations over the years, we've talked about the possible day when we are not together. We don't know what year, month, day, or hour this will occur, but sadly, we know that the odds of us both leaving this earth together are statistically not probable. We gently tiptoe around the discussion of how we would want the other one to move on and find happiness and purpose in life, but down deep, I don't think our minds allow us to really comprehend how that could ever happen. 

The verses above remind me that if you hang on too tight, you can't create new life, but instead can destroy it. God provides trial separations for us as we travel through life as a couple. It's important to understand that learning to let go and not control those we love is one of the greatest ways to grow closer to one another.  A group from our church along with my husband left on a journey to help one of the poorest communities in the United States live in safer homes. I find myself wondering how Christ is working in their lives every step of the journey. What will they see? hear? feel? touch? taste? that is different than anything they've ever known before. I believe that Christ will work through all their senses to change them in ways that will be forever instilled in them for future opportunities to share their faith and talents. 

This trip is a gift to my husband, and I am thankful this opportunity has come his way. Although, I won't be  traveling with him physically, I will receive many residual gifts from this trip. The first is knowing that my husband is building his skills doing something he loves to do: working with his hands to build and rebuild homes to help others. I also know that he will grow in friendships with others on the trip as together they grow in their faith. I also know that this is a sign to me that if the time ever comes that we won't be together that God has helped him nurture Christian friendships that will be there if God calls me home before him. I feel great peace knowing that God networks him with people that will come to know and care about him. 

The week will be a bit lonely. The house is quiet, and the cat is moping because even though I picked her out at the shelter almost 4 years ago, she picked Jim as her "favorite" when we got home. She actually cried her sad meows this morning as she searched the house for him. I entertain myself watching ME TV. (You know reruns of all the good shows that used to be on television.) Normally, sports are the focus on Sunday afternoons. My husbands loves "ALL" sports. He's a whiz at sport's trivia. Often, I think if only I could switch to the channels I like, but instead I choose to stay in the family room with him, so we can watch it together. I guess I'd rather have my husband and sports rather than a television all to myself. Not near as much fun without his laugh and excitement over the game he's watching.

I want to love my husband recklessly trusting that he needs experiences away from me to grow in all areas of his life. So, yes, occasionally we have these little trial runs to see what life would be like without each other, and I realize that this is not a place I would ever choose to be: alone and without the love of my life. I hope we have many more decades to share our lives together, but I find comfort in knowing that every day we share together is a gift. 

Heavenly Father,

Thank you for the gift of love between two people that can last a lifetime. Help us to cherish each day and learn to turn to you for guidance. And when the day comes when You call one of them home, thank you for the network of friendships you've helped create to help them move forward in life.

Amen.