Can We Avoid Conflict? Should We?

"Peter, full of the Holy Spirit, let loose: “Rulers and leaders of the people, if we have been brought to trial today for helping a sick man, put under investigation regarding this healing, I’ll be completely frank with you—we have nothing to hide. By the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth, the One you killed on a cross, the One God raised from the dead, by means of his name this man stands before you healthy and whole. Jesus is ‘the stone you masons threw out, which is now the cornerstone.’ Salvation comes no other way; no other name has been or will be given to us by which we can be saved, only this one.” They couldn't take their eyes off them—Peter and John standing there so confident, so sure of themselves! Their fascination deepened when they realized these two were laymen with no training in Scripture or formal education. They recognized them as companions of Jesus, but with the man right before them, seeing him standing there so upright—so healed!—what could they say against that?"~Acts 4:8-12 MSG

Conflict is such an uncomfortable activity to participate in that most people will do anything to avoid it. They will smile and say something kind to avoid conflict, but at times down deep inside they may really feel this overwhelming urge to say something with a drawn disgusting look and maybe articulate some not so nice words. They think the thought, but usually don't talk the talk. Some people may begin stewing over the conflict, as they replay the situation over and over again with what they wished they would have or not have said. 

Growing up, learning about conflict was a lot like one of those great Western movies where everyone ends up in the dirt road that flows in front of the storefronts through the middle of town. I can picture it in my mind. Each person chose a side and fought for their position until only one side either won, or the enemy was eliminated by gunshot. Although that seems a bit dramatic, often conflict plays out the same way in our daily lives. It seems that those representing each side find a way to bully one side or the other until one either gives in or is eliminated from the situation. Compromise is the exception to conflict resolution, because in some ways working through conflict is an art in itself. 

So if working through conflict is an art, how do we take lessons to learn more about it? Not all of us are born with artistic genetics. (I still remember my high school art teacher being speechless as he examined some of my art projects. I guess those talents weren't included in my birth package.)The problem is that conflict arises in most all areas of our lives. So, how do we deal with it? A few years back I met a woman that has taught me a lot about how to deal with conflict, and I have found that facing it with the right mental tools and attitude can produce some of the most honest and caring conversations I have ever had. She asked me to take a leadership position in my job that would throw me into routine conflict. I will be honest in saying that before I met her, I was a complete failure in regards to learning the art of working through conflict. She told me not to fear it, but to welcome it as an opportunity to learn and grow. 

As a supervisor, I find conflict is unavoidable.  I've learned that facing it, face to face, in a caring, fair, and structured manner has changed me in many ways. I no longer fear someone not liking me, because I have finally come to understand that if I am fair and caring, and still not liked, I can't necessarily change that person's opinion of me. It hasn't been easy, and at times it's been absolutely exhausting, but it has brought me great peace that I know how to work through problems more effectively. 

Praying first is an amazing first step. Having the conversation with God first, gives guidance and provides healthy confidence. I've learned that confidence in myself and starting with the known facts is critical to a healthy outcome, but confidence outlined with arrogance and assumptions is never healthy. Not all conflicts work out the way I hope, but there is a remarkable calmness when I know I have stay focused on solving the problem rather than handling it in a way that haunts me with those, "What if I had or hadn't said?" type questions.

Peter and John in the scripture above found themselves in the midst of conflict. They had been thrown in jail for proclaiming Jesus had risen from the dead, and because of this miracle, through Jesus, a sick man was raised from the dead. In a way, there they stood in the Western movie with people from both sides wanting to see a shoot out. Peter and John stood with confidence and the facts they knew. They had been blessed with an amazing confidence that came from God. The rulers saw the crowd's reaction and were taken back by what they perceived as two uneducated men working through God. Peter and John were carrying out Jesus' work here on earth. Some might say a compromise was reached as the story played out. Peter and John were released and carried on their mission to proclaim the gospel to others. They had depended on God and didn't let their fear stop them from moving forward.

I don't think that conflict is ever an easy thing, but I believe it is a necessary part of our lives. As Christians, we want to seek peaceful ways to solve problems. However, it's important to remember that a peaceful resolution doesn't necessarily mean that we always avoid conflict. Handling conflict with the confidence that our Lord and Savior, will help us through it, gives us courage to speak the words of truth that sometimes need to be spoken. So, when conflict comes knocking in your life. Stop. Pray. Be confident. Be fair. Stick to the facts that you know. And finally as the story plays out, compromise when you feel the Holy Spirit nudge you to do so. In the end, there is a good chance you will find peace in the midst of conflict.

Father of Resolution,

As conflict enters our lives, we ask for guidance from your Holy Spirit within us. Help us to work through conflict in a way that reflects Your Love in our lives. Let the shadows of arrogance and assumption fade from the picture so that truth becomes more evident. As the truth becomes more clear, help lead us through resolution. 

Amen