Those Hidden Faults

"How can I know all the sins lurking in my heart? Cleanse me from these hidden faults. Keep me from deliberate sins! Don't let them control me. Then I will be free of guilt and innocent of great sin."~Psalm 19:12-13

Childhood memories are very selective. I will be honest in saying I don't have a lot of joyous ones. My memory is plagued with images that I often try to block out. Sometimes this selective way of remembering things is a crutch for me to blame my own sinful thoughts and behavior on. Even joyous memories can sometimes be tainted. I remember a time when my parents purchased me a new dress for school in the early Spring. As a rule, the only new clothes we received were when school started, or on Christmas, Easter, and our birthdays. I was so excited to wear this new dress to school. In this three room country school, with students through sixth grade, there was quite a diverse group of children on the playground at one time. We used to have races running around the building. Even then, children found great fun in bullying the kids that didn't fit in. I was one of those kids. As I ran around the building, two older boys were waiting on the corner, and purposefully tripped me right in front of a mud puddle. My knees gave way, and I landed in rock and mud tearing my new dress, skinning my knees and wrists, and covered in mud. The tears overflowed as they all laughed. A childhood memory that still haunts me to this day. I still wonder how kids can be so mean?

When I think of the way my childhood memory is so selective, I often realize that it tends to not remember the areas where I did things to others that I wish I hadn't. I tend to remember what others did to me. Did I forget the hurt I may have caused, or did I not retain the memory because I was possibly the one laughing? I'm sure that memory list is much longer than I would like it to be.

Some of these memories have instilled within me the desire to work harder to not be the one enjoying  someone else's suffering.  That sounds simple, but the problem is that we can be drawn in so easily. Sometimes frustration, injustice, and simply a different point of view create this want to lash out at someone just because they don't think the same way we do. Somehow deep inside some of us lives the desire to always want to "be right."  I speak from experience that even when I'm sure I'm right, that time will often tell a different story.  I think that learning time and time again that my views are not always "right," has softened my heart to listen more attentively to what others are feeling more than what they are saying.  Honestly, we are all a culmination of the lifetimes we have each uniquely experienced. We couldn't all feel the same about all issues even if we made a decision to do so. However, we do have the ability to tune into the feelings that others have about issues and try to soften their hearts in small ways. Sometimes, it's by just listening and not fueling the fire of the discussion. Often a soft and kind word thrown out when a strong opinion is voiced is like a bucket of water on a fire. It won't necessarily put the fire out, but it will calm the fire long enough for the discussion to regroup in thought and maybe help each person learn a little more about the issue from different perspectives. I think that God wants each of us to be good listeners and gentle heart softeners. The world could use a lot more of these kind of people.

When David wrote Psalm 19, he focused on all the good in the world created by God, but his fears that he could somehow fail God were troubling him.  He worried about the sins lurking in his heart and the hidden faults that even he didn't recognize. He cried out to God to not let these sins control him. He wanted to be better than he was at that moment. Sometimes I can feel like David. I know that my heart can stray to the dark side when seeing some situations, and I need the gift of forgiveness on a regular basis.  The sins that I fear the most are those hidden faults. The ones that I can't see because I'm so sure I'm right. Those are the dangerous ones in my life.  David goes on to write in verse, 14, "May the words of my mouth and the thoughts of my heart be pleasing to you, O Lord, my rock and my redeemer."  I find myself, too, turning to God asking earnestly for the ability to grow closer to Him, so that the words of my mouth and the thoughts of my heart are honorable in reflecting God's presence in my life. It's not an easy task, but with God all things are attainable.

Let us pray:

Forgiving Father,
Often we aren't able to see within ourselves the hidden faults that can be destructive and keep us from growing closer to you and doing your work in the world. Help us from this moment forward to mature in our faith as we trust that You will reveal to us the path away from our hidden faults. Send those people into our lives that will help soften our hearts and send us out as people to soften the hearts of others so that all will come to know and respect one another with a joyful and caring heart.
Amen.